To all the current and future moms out there: I hope this goes without saying, but you are all incredible. You protect, nurture and grow this living being inside your body for months on end. You endure sickness, physical/emotional discomfort, inexplicable cases of hunger cravings, and much more. You attend every doctor appointment, participate in education courses, organize the nursey; then on top of that, relay all of that information to your significant other when they’re in a good place to hear it. You alter your entire way of living in an effort to give your new baby the best opportunity possible to succeed. Oh yeah, I almost forgot… then there’s the part where you give birth!
A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to score some front row seats as my wife put this spectacle on display. The reviews are in folks, and critics are already deeming it, “A performance of a lifetime,” “An emotional roller-coaster” and “A bloody masterpiece” (from a British reviewer). I’m going to throw something out there that most people probably have never heard of before: childbirth seems like hard work. I have a new-found appreciation for moms and their strength and sacrifice just to bring a baby into this world. If my wife is reading this (which she will be because I’m making her), thank you, I’m proud of you, and I love you! I echo the same sentiment to my own mother, but with the added gratitude of having to deal with me for 20+ years.
With all that being said, this isn’t about you anymore moms! From the moment you’ve announced your pregnancy, friends and family have been offering you ample amounts of (solicited and unsolicited) advice, love and attention. It’s time to speak to the often-overlooked members of the journey, the dads. Moms, feel free to pass the phone or laptop over to a nearby dad, or just jot down some notes and relay all this information when they’re in a good place to hear it…
Having just gone through this child-birth experience from the partner’s perspective, there’s some tips and takeaways I want to share with you that I wish I knew going into it. When I scroll through my extensive resume of 1 delivery room experience and 4 weeks of fatherhood, I can think of no better person to offer unsolicited advice to the current and future dads or partners of the world. So here we go!
Pack Your Bags
Even though you’ve got that due date in place, your baby has had a lot of free time on their hands, and have been working on an arrival itinerary of their own. They typically play this pretty close to the vest, so good luck trying to lock down a timeframe of when you should expect everything to go down. Because of this uncertainty, it’s best to have all your hospital bags packed and prepped weeks, if not months, before your baby is due.
If you’re wondering about what kinds of items you should include in your bag, here’s some things I felt were “must haves” for me. Again, I am not expert by any means, and I’m sure everyone’s experience is different. This is just what I personally found most useful:
- Phone + Charger – For taking pictures and updating friends and family on baby news.
- Laptop/Tablet + Charger – You’ll have a lot of down time in the post-delivery room, so it was nice to have something to keep us entertained when we weren’t sleeping or taking care of the baby.
- Snacks – We were able to order food from the hospital cafeteria at will, but it was delightful to have some tasty treats at our disposal if we didn’t want to wait for food to be brought up to us.
- Nursing Pillow – This little “U-shaped” pillow was so helpful to have. It forms around your abdominal–region and allows you to easily hold and feed the baby. We still use it every day.
- Basic toiletries – Toothbrush/toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo, razor, etc.
- Change of clothes – After spending 12+ hours in a hospital after having a baby, it’s so refreshing to be able to take a shower and put on a fresh pair of clothes.
- Notebook + Pencil – There’s a lot of information that comes your way when you have a baby (time of events, measurements, doctor recommendations, etc.). Have something at-the-ready to jot information down as it’s happening so you don’t have to try and rack your brain at a later point.
- The essential credentials – Wallet, keys, insurance card. Don’t expect your pregnant lady to remember to grab everything. Keep it near your hospital bags so you don’t forget it.
It really helped us to have our things packed and placed somewhere near the door of our house. My wife’s water broke just after midnight, so by the time we were leaving for the hospital, it was close to 1:30am. With the combination of late-night fatigue and adrenaline setting in, we would have surely forgotten to grab something if it wasn’t already sitting by the door. You don’t want to run into a situation where your partner asks you for the nursing pillow, and you only have a Snickers bar and toothpaste to offer…
Have a Plan
In addition to having your bags at the ready, you and your significant other should take some time well before the due date to sit down and go over the birth plan. What’s a birth plan? I didn’t know either... Unbeknownst to me at the time, there are all sorts of decisions that need to take place during the labor and delivery. These decisions range from which medications you’d like your baby to receive, the mom’s wishes regarding an epidural or episiotomy, and whether to do delayed umbilical cord clamping. If you’re scratching your head wondering what half of this means, welcome to the club! This is why it was helpful to sit down and talk it through beforehand.
When your partner is giving birth, she may not have the wherewithal to express these decisions to the medical staff, so it’s up to you to take charge! Remember that notebook I referenced earlier? We made sure to write down the birth plan in this notebook just in case there were any questions about what we wanted to do, and neither of us could remember. Luckily, we went over the plan a second time on our way to the hospital, so we had everything we wanted to do fresh in our minds.
Know Your Role
The delivery room is a lot like a football game. You have your quarterback (the doctor). The doctor is responsible for calling out the plays to the rest of the team and making sure everyone is in proper position. The quarterback lines up under center (the mom), yells “hike” (push) to receive the ball (the baby), and eventually hands it off to one of their skill players (the nurses) to protect and make sure it’s handled correctly. It’s a very complex and intricate system, and it all works like clockwork.
Then you have your dad or partner in the room, who is your water boy. The water boy is “technically” part of the team, gets to be in all the team pictures, and gets to be on the field (delivery room). However, the water boy stands on the sidelines most of the game saying things like, “Way to go!” and “Keep it up!” and “Need any water?” They occasionally get to interact with the other players, and if they do a good enough job at being a water boy, the team will let them go in for one final play at the end of the game so they feel good about themselves (cutting the umbilical cord). They even let them hold onto the game ball afterwards.
Not trying to diminish the partners’ role in the delivery room whatsoever. Having a familiar presence there helping the mom out and cheering them on is definitely important. Just don’t take it personally when the whole team ignores you and forgets you exist. Like a team running out on the field, nobody is checking to see where the water boy is and how they are doing. The labor and delivery staff are not there to make sure you are taken care of. They are there to make sure the mom and baby are okay. That’s not to say they will treat you poorly by any means; in fact, the staff we worked with couldn’t have been nicer. It just meant my role was to stay out of their way and make sure mom was being taken of. As long as you go into the delivery room with that understanding, you should be fine.
As far as how to support mom during all this, I found a few things helpful when making sure her needs were met:
- Ask “Yes and “No” questions
- Her focus and energy will be all over the place. If you ask her, “What do you need?” she may not be able to articulate that to you. Keep it simple and ask questions like, “Do you want some water?” or “Want me to adjust that pillow?” or “Do you want me to stop talking now?”
- Keep calm
- There’s a lot of different stressors working against mom during birth: pain, tension, fear, having to process things quickly. One of your jobs is to be the calming, peaceful presence that keeps her feeling assured and confident. Don’t let the same stressors get to you. Stay composed and keep things light.
- Write things down
- Back to the paper and pen again… The hospital staff may say something that doesn’t seem important to you, but it’s important for mom. Make sure to have your writing utensils at the ready so you can write down whatever information she wants you to.
Shoots and Letters
Another important role of the dad or partner is being the link the connects the family and friends to the latest and greatest baby news. Get those group texts going, have the updates flowing, and keep the photo shoots growing. The last thing you want is the in-laws to come barging in demanding answers as to why they haven’t received a picture in the last 15 minutes. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
In addition to sending messages to the outside world, my wife and I felt it was important to write thank you letters to all the medical staff that helped us along our way. This tip is less about surviving the delivery room as it is a courtesy to all the individuals who guided you through it. Use that trusty notebook and write down the names of all of your nurses and doctors so you can give them proper thanks for their hard work and care.
Know your audience
For better or for worse, I tend to layer most situations with a primed and semi-glossy coat of sarcasm and humor. Especially when I’m seeing my wife in pain, my instinct is to make her feel better, and what better way to lift her spirits then with a “perfectly” timed joke? Well… as it turns out, there’s a couple different demographics who don’t appreciate high-quality comedic content:
- Pregnant women experiencing a painful contraction
- The medical staff who is taking care of them
I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seat waiting to find out what kinds of comments weren’t landing with the baby mama and medical staff. Happy to oblige. Maybe they’ll finally get the recognition they deserved:
- After about an hour of my wife experiencing immensely painful contractions, I lowered myself down so I was about head-level with her, looked her right it the eye, and with complete calmness and sincerity said, “I know exactly how you feel. My feet are killing me from all this standing. Do you mind switching places for just a few minutes?”
- I’ll admit, this one got a chuckle, but it was right in the middle of a contraction. My wife didn’t appreciate the extra strain on her body from laughing.
- At a certain point, my wife’s legs started involuntary trembling and shaking. This is a completely normal response to what she was going through at the time. When the nurse came in to check on her, I chimed in and said, “Hey Wendy, do you have any music that would go along good with this (pointing down at my wife’s shaking leg)?” No response from Wendy…
- Lastly, we were getting ready to transfer from our prep room to the delivery room. My wife is hooked up to IVs, having painful contractions, and clearly was not in a state to stand up. When the nurses were in the room ready to start wheeling her over, I looked down at all of our bags and belongings and said, “Yeah, better get moving, she’s got a lot to carry.” By the looks on the nurses faces, you would have thought I was suggesting we deliver the baby blindfolded in the parking lot.
Once we were in the delivery room, all of the hospital staff were amazing at keeping things light and were willing to join in on the fun. After it was all said and done, my wife said she did appreciate all the humor, just not when she was having those contractions early on in the pre-delivery room. So, lesson learned, there’s nothing wrong with having fun, maybe just wait until your significant other isn’t going through one of the most uncomfortable experiences in her life. Also, don’t be offended if the staff doesn’t play along. They have a very serious and important job to do. On top of that, it was 3:00am. They don’t have the same amount of adrenaline and excitement in their system, so our energy levels are on a completely different playing field. Those jokes were funny though…
Keep it moving
After spending all your waking time in a hospital room, and all your sleeping time on a make-shift chair bed, you can start to feel physically and mentally uncomfortable. Make sure you’re taking the time to stretch and exercise in your room to help keep your mind and body fresh and active. In our specific case, we gave birth during COVID-19, which means there was no leaving our room unless we were checking out. This made it especially important to move around in order to keep the stir crazies at bay. If you’re looking for some extra resistance and quality bonding time, use your baby!
Call in the Reinforcements
Congrats! You survived the delivery room and finally have made back home. You think that’s where the journey ends? Negative, we’re just getting started! There’s a new member of the family to keep alive, you’re trying to adjust to work and home life with a baby, and mom is still in recovery mode from her birthing workout. Luckily, you and mom are not in this alone. The first people you should call are family and friends. If they are willing and able, they can be a huge help during this new phase of your life. For my wife and I, our families have been so kind with bringing us food, helping clean the house, and even watching the baby for a couple hours while we catch up on some sleep.
In addition to our family and friends, the next biggest help in our lives has been our physical therapist. My wife has been battling postpartum pain and discomfort ever since she gave birth, and after a couple weeks of symptoms not improving, I decided to reach out to one of Spooner’s Women’s Health Specialists, Carrie Yaeger. Carrie was able to see my wife the same day through a telehealth appointment, which was perfect. This allowed my wife to receive the care she needed, but didn’t have to stress about leaving the house and who would watch the baby. Carrie’s been absolutely incredible with giving my wife stretches and other recommendations to try at home that have greatly reduced her pain and discomfort. Thanks Carrie!
Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for – Meet Lauren!
Her favorite activities include: air boxing, tummy time, fashion shows, and staring into your soul. Thanks again to the staff at HonorHealth Scottsdale Shea Medical Center for putting up with our antics and helping bring this precious gem into the world!
If your significant other is experiencing pain and discomfort after having a baby, don’t hesitate to get her the help that she needs. Click here and schedule an appointment or complimentary movement screen with one of our Women’s Health Specialists located throughout the Valley! Thanks for reading, and happy pushing!